Grace Covers Shame: My C-Section Birth Story

Hi friends, and thank you so much for stopping by! I know it’s been a while. Man oh man, sometimes I bite off more than I can chew. I had so many “to-dos” over the holidays, and I really had high hopes to keep my blog posts going throughout it all! But, as so often happens this time of year, my one-and-a-half-year-old son got pneumonia, then I got pink eye, then my husband got pink eye (as soon as I was all better). Then we hosted my in-laws for Christmas, and, on Christmas morning after we opened gifts, we all left and my husband and I drove to Disney with our son to have Christmas with my family. We were at Disney through the new year and WHOOSH! It all went by so fast! I had to give myself some grace and I decided not to stay up until 3 am working on blog posts.

But now I’m back! And today, I’m starting a two-week blog series on my C-section birth story. I’ll share the first half of my birth story with you today, but you’ll have to come back next week to finish it!

Before I dive in, I’d like to say that there is nothing wrong with having a C-section and there is absolutely no valid reason to feel ashamed if you’ve had one, elect to have one, or have to have one in the future. Also know that all feelings are okay. My story simply focuses on my own surprising feelings that came on unexpectedly after finding out that I would need to schedule a C-section and how I later figured out how to successfully deal with those feelings.

I think shame may be something that we all deal with as mamas, in some way or another, and I hope this series allows you to reflect on where you may be feeling shame in your own motherhood journey and how you can deal with it.

Alright, here we go!

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Feeling and looking very pregnant!

My 40-Week Surprise

I was 40 weeks pregnant when I found out my baby was breech. It was a shock to say the least. The doctors had told me that my baby was head down and in a good position for giving birth. They repeated that to me week after week beginning at 36 weeks when they started checking me for his position. I saw at least three different doctors during that time period and all of them said he was head down. At 40 weeks, I was maybe a half cm dilated and, in all likelihood, this baby wasn’t coming any time soon.

The doctors decided to do an ultrasound to check on my amniotic fluid levels. I was just excited to get to see my baby again. The ultrasound technician placed the probe on my huge belly near my rib cage. The picture came on the screen and as I tried to find a foot or something that I could recognize, I felt the mood change in the room. The ultrasound technician immediately exclaimed “Oh! Do they know that he’s turned around?” My immediate response was panic and then denial. I responded “What do you mean turned around? Like turned around meaning that his face is turned the wrong way?” And she said the words that I was dreading to hear, but instinctively knew were coming, “No, he’s breech. Have they talked to you about a C-section?” I don’t even remember my response. I think I simply said no, but my mind was elsewhere.

Everything else checked out fine on the ultrasound. When the doctor came in, she had this look on her face, like oh no, now I have to have a hard conversation with this 40 week pregnant hormonal lady. But I put on a brave face—I wasn’t going to cry. I asked my questions calmly. I knew a few to ask because I had read a bit about C-sections and my labor and delivery class had a very short video snippet on them. But most of my research, reading, and preparation had been for vaginal labor.

We got through the conversation fairly quickly. The doctor said that my baby must have turned. (I thought “no way, I would have felt it”). If they had known he was breech at 36 weeks, they would have been able to try an inversion to get him to turn. This doctor didn’t like inversions though, and wouldn’t do them at all. She said there was a doctor in the practice that did them, but he only did them up until 38 weeks. She would have to call him to see if he would do it at 40 weeks. I asked her about the risks, and ultimately, it sounded like it would be a painful, low-success rate, high risk procedure that would pose a threat to my health and my baby boy’s health. Based on the information I had, I chose to schedule a C-section.

I walked out of the doctor’s room and went in the hallway to wait to meet with the woman who scheduled the C-sections. I looked at my husband and I began to tear up. I was scared. But I didn’t want to lose it. I can’t remember if I said anything or not to him, but I remember the large lump in my throat. It felt like I had to wait for forever to see the woman who would schedule my C-section. Finally, she came and got us. I had been in that same small room just a week ago, scheduling an induction for July 6th. The woman was surprised to see me back. We scheduled the C-section for the next morning. She gave me instructions for washing that night with Hibiclens Anti-Septic, and I left.

Preparing for the Hospital

In the car, my husband and I immediately jumped into action. We first went to purchase the Hibiclens. We didn’t talk about the C-section to each other. Then we started making phone calls. I called my mom first. She agreed to come help me for two weeks after my baby was born. I told her the facts—that I had to have a C-section because the baby was breech. Yes, we just found out. I don’t remember much of the conversation, honestly. I was still in shock. I remember texting my co-workers and the partners at my firm. Sheila, one of the partners, immediately called me after she saw my text. She had had a C-section and re-assured me it would be okay. Sheila knows me so well and knew that I was worried. She said exactly what I needed to hear. I texted my sister and told her. She also called me. Again, I told her the facts and I don’t remember much of the conversation.

I still had one very important person to call—my dad. For some reason, I was putting him off. I didn’t want to call him and tell him. But, a quick glance at the time told me that I needed to call him or I would miss him. It was 11 am in North Carolina, which meant it was 11 pm in China (my parents currently live there). I had to call him now. He answered, jolly sounding as ever, as he always is. I tried to sound positive, but I began to choke. I couldn’t get the words out—the same words that I had spoken to so many others—got stuck when I tried to say them to him. My husband glanced sideways at me. He put a hand on my knee. I had held it together for the most part up until now. I was my dad’s strong, brave, tomboy little girl. I thought I should be able to have this baby by natural birth, or at least have the opportunity to try. But, here I was, telling him that I had a scheduled C-section for the next day. Telling my dad was harder than telling anyone else. I had always been his tough little girl. A C-section seemed too easy. My dad didn’t do or say anything differently than anyone else that I had spoken with. He was the last person I had to tell (my husband had called his family).

Unexpected C-Section Emotions

As the day went on and my husband and I prepared for our baby to arrive the next day, my mind was crowded with thoughts that were slowly spiraling out of control. I felt like I was cheating by having a scheduled C-section—that was too easy. I felt like I was robbed of knowing what it was like to go into labor. I felt alone because I had no friends my age that I knew had had C-sections. I felt like I had done something wrong to cause my baby to get into the breech position. I was worried about undergoing serious surgery. I was concerned about the recovery time. I was apprehensive about taking the drugs I knew I would need. I felt unprepared for a birth via C-section because I had focused so much of my time on reading up on natural births. And all the while, I was running (ok, waddling) around the house getting everything in place to bring our son home. Instead of feeling excited though, I felt defective. At the time, I didn’t realize the root of the cause of all these thoughts. Now I know, I was ashamed.

It’s easy for me to look back at this point in my life and realize what I was feeling. I wish I could have realized it then. If I had, I would have been able to better manage my thoughts and emotions. I would have been able to properly voice my concerns. I would have known what help to ask for. But I was a hormonal disaster, and unfortunately, I wasn’t functioning like I normally would. I was being too hard on myself. This baby’s breech position was outside of my control. Looking back, I needed to give myself grace. #graceupmama

The emotions I felt leading up to my C-section were surprising to me and were certainly unexpected. I think the extra time to think about the C-section didn’t help me. I know some people have emergency C-sections, and I think if that had happened to me, I would have been better able to handle it. I wouldn’t have had so much time to worry about it. But God was in this. He always has a plan. The ending is a happy one.

Please join me next week as I wrap up my birth story. I’ll give a real description of what my C-section was actually like. You’ll also find out how I finally figured out how to cope with my feelings of shame because of my scheduled C-section.

I felt like those last few weeks of pregnancy were extra tiring and taxing—did you feel the same? Was there something that surprised you in your last few weeks before you gave birth? What kind of emotions did you have as you were getting ready to have your baby? Did you also struggle with any feelings of shame, insecurity, or self-doubt at this time?