Hi friends! I'm back for a brand new post that is near and dear to my heart because...my mom wrote it! Today, I'm sharing some wisdom from my own mother, Ann Beavers. She's years ahead of me on her mothering journey and I continue to learn from her and other moms that go before me. Not only is she my mom, but she was also an elementary school guidance counselor for most of her teaching career (over 30 years)! She's trained in early childhood education (so she really knows her stuff)! Special thanks to my mom for being my first guest writer! I am so excited to share other mom's stories on this blog and she is the first one to contribute a full post!
My mom chose to share about one of the most challenging times on her motherhood journey, which was when she and her husband (my dad) moved overseas with a pre-teen (me) and a teenager (my sister). The teenage years are difficult in and of themselves, but this twist added a new and unique challenge for her.
Before my mom takes over the blog, I wanted to give you all a quick update on where I've been. I've had some deeply personal things going on, which, at the right time, I may choose to share. I know it has been a while, but, with the help of some other great mamas, I hope to be bringing you more new content soon. Thanks for your patience and support :)
Now, without further ado, here is a snippet from my mom's motherhood journey...
From Infants to Adults
Friends for life! I have had the privilege of watching these two young ladies grow from infants to beautiful young women who are married and mothers with challenging careers. Now, that is a pretty good trade off for all the sleepless nights, dirty diapers, unexpected doctor’s visits, stressing as they became young drivers, dealing with the adolescent emotional rollercoaster and fear of failure to name a few of the many parenting challenges. I am writing about parenting through the emotional rollercoaster of adolescence during an international move from the United States to Singapore, Japan and back to the United States.
The Teenage Years Overseas: A Rollercoaster Ride
Adolescence is a stormy emotional time for most children and can feel like a rollercoaster ride for parents and children. Deciding to move overseas at this stage of development took a lot of courage and prayers. When my children were 11 and 13, we were given the opportunity to move to Singapore. When my husband and I told our daughters about the move, they surprised us by being a little excited. Both daughters started learning as much as they could about Singapore. They started making plans and saying their goodbyes. The goodbye parties were a lot of fun and they loved getting all the bubble gum from their friends! (Chewing gum in Singapore in public is against the law) The excitement of international travel, a new home and meeting new friends was going to be fun…..maybe!
Saying goodbye to friends and family, leaving pets, and anticipating starting a new school where they would have to wear uniforms and didn’t know anyone was on the low end of the emotional rollercoaster. The stress of starting a new school is not something a parent enjoys watching their children go through. Guilt, helplessness and a lack of control were strong emotions I had to face when all I wanted to do was protect my children from the stress and pain. As with many parenting decisions, I questioned whether I had made a mistake. I needed to give myself grace!
Thankfully, both of my daughters invested in trying to integrate into their new community in Singapore. They joined an advanced tennis group and met new friends at the American Club. We immediately started attending a church and their AWANA program provided additional friends. This took a lot of courage! They loved the year round tropical weather and traveling to Australia for Christmas. Wearing the school uniforms was not that bad and they enjoyed a free dress day every week.
An Unexpected Twist
After 8 months of the new normal in Singapore, my husband was asked to move to Tokyo, Japan. This request led to a lot of discussions and agonizing over moving to a country where English was not the mother tongue of the country. After a lot of prayers, we decided it would be in our family’s best interest to accept this move. My husband and I got a completely different reaction when we told our daughters we had to move from Singapore to Tokyo. “You are ruining my life”, shouted one of my daughters! Both daughters cried for most of the flight from Singapore to Tokyo. Talk about parenting guilt, fear of failure and needing grace; I really needed a big dose of it!
Our adolescent daughters started over again in Tokyo. They joined a tennis club where they were the only two Americans. The tennis instruction was in Japanese and they had to watch what the Japanese kids did and then repeat what they saw the other kids do during the clinics. They went to the American Club in Japan and met new friends. We immediately started attending church and met additional new friends. The girls started the process of learning a new language from their friends and at the American School in Japan. This was not easy but they did it faster than in Singapore, because they understood the expat process better.
What I Learned Through It All
We had a lot of emotional roller coaster rides during this time. Looking back, I am not proud of how I handled all of it but I am proud of my daughters. I got some of it right though and I would encourage all parents at whatever stage of life to remember a couple of things:
Listen to your children. When children are excited about something, share in their excitement. Put words to their feelings. Younger children may not have the vocabulary to tell their feelings so help them. When children are sad or angry, share in their disappointment. Don’t try to fix it or tell them they shouldn’t feel that way. Validate feelings by putting words to the feelings and letting them know it is okay. Share stories of your own about similar feelings. Build a strong relationship with your child by listening and providing that unconditional love all children deserve.
For example when my daughter yelled that we were ruining her life, my response was something like “so moving you again so soon feels like your life is being ruined”. This opens up the line of communication for more sharing of feelings. If I had responded with “It isn’t ruining your life. Just look at how good you did settling in here. You can do it again. I will help you” then I would have gotten the all too popular teen response of “You just don’t understand”.
The second thing I would encourage all parents to do is pray, pray, pray! During this time of being a full time mom, I had the opportunity to read more for pleasure and participate in women’s bible studies. I am a school counselor by profession and have taught quite a few parenting classes, but of all the parenting resources I have used, Stormie Omartian’s. The Power of a Praying Parenthas had the most impact on my children and me. I started reading it during my time in Tokyo and prayed fervently for both daughters. If you haven’t read it, add it to your reading list!
“Pour out your heart like water before the face of the Lord. Lift your hands toward Him for the life of your young children.” Lamentations 2:19
By the grace of God, my adult children remember our move abroad as an enriching experience that contributed to their development and helped them become the successful adults they are today. The 3 moves in 3 years changed our lives and brought us closer together as a family and changed my daughters’ lives forever….for the better. We met colleagues of my husband and met friends that made the same family moves and saw their families destroyed. My husband and I would like to think we were exceptional parents, but we know that it was God’s grace and the answer to many prayers that allowed our family to become closer instead of blowing apart. My oldest daughter is an award-winning international wedding photographer, while my youngest daughter is a dedicated, successful family law attorney. They have both blessed me with beautiful grandchildren and are wonderful parents. Both of them thank my husband and me for giving them the opportunity to live overseas. Our family continues to be close even though we live 8,000 miles apart. My husband and I reside in Shanghai, China, while our daughters live in the United States. I believe the overseas challenges and adventures helped contribute to our closeness as a family.
